But I've been wondering. . .is the spirit willing? Lately, I think not.
Deep down, the commitment is there, but in the day to day, I'm just plain tired.
Tired of the way things are. Tired of trying to figure out what the next step is. Tired of trying to change things when all my efforts are met with failure.
Disappointment and frustration cloud my view of all that I should be grateful for and all the ways I can live more fully where I am.
My sins suck me down, and others around me are beginning to feel my anger and frustration since I no longer have the energy to hide it--or am I even trying anymore?
People notice, and their humbling comments bring me to my knees, and once again, Mercy intervenes.
* * *
"I am dead to sin and now living in Christ Jesus."
The preacher let the words sink in, then repeated them, "We must remember and live that truth: I am dead to sin and now living in Christ Jesus."
I want to remember. I want to live like this, to believe it in my heart, to let it pulse through my veins.
But if I am truly dead to sin, I need not fear my weaknesses or my failings. I will still fall, because I'm human. But I am now living in Christ Jesus, and He will make up for all I lack, in His mercy, His grace, His goodness, His love.
* * *
I always have such high hopes when the New Year rolls around. This year was no different, and even though the first week was as boring as a pile of dirt and colder and more miserable than I can really handle without turning into a monster, I still have hope.
My reflections and ponderings of last year (and my attitude this past week) provided me with some ugly truths about myself, leading me to think that quite possibly the changes I need to make are not so much in my external circumstances, but in my soul. I can't just keep holding on to a superficial optimism that if I endure the difficulties with a glued-on smile, that's doing God's will for my life, and everything will turn out okay.
I need to actually open my heart and soul and life up wide to His promised Grace and Mercy and let Him do something new in me. And I think part of opening myself up to that is letting go of my old self, the comfortable self that likes to be cozy and comfortable and watch lots of cheesy wholesome movies. Last year I developed better habits, one being a routine of reading the Bible and praying in the morning before I go to work. This prayer life is a good foundation, but I find myself now at a crossroads--it's time to actually live. That means that I need to do things that scare me, but that are good for me (like doing more yoga and exercising to get into shape, like cooking healthy meals, like finding friends nearby who share my faith).
Because as I've written before, in order to love others as we love ourselves, we have to first love ourselves, to take care of ourselves, to allow ourselves to be loved by God and formed into new creations by His merciful touch.
I want to believe with every fiber of my being that I am dead to sin and now living in Christ Jesus, and to let His Love transform me from the inside out so that with every breath I take, I am living life to the full in His Love.
I believe, Lord. Help my unbelief!
