The Winter Blues

Is it summer yet?

Just kidding.  But not really.  I need summer in my life.

This was actually going to be another post about how much I hate winter and how the first few weeks of every year leave me depressed and full of self-doubt and whatnot.  And then I was like, OR. . .

I could write about HAPPY things.  Like, what exactly, despite the horrific blanket of cold grayness that covers us here in Ohio during 97% of the winter

Is it 9 am or 3 pm?  Who can tell?  It's all the same sort of blah.
#DREARYANDDEPRESSING

I am actually excited about this year.  So here we go.  I have made a list of five of my favorite ways to ignore the winter blues this year without resorting to hibernation under an electric blanket with lots of delicious food and feel good movies about people who live at the beach because while that all sounds wonderful, it's not even remotely healthy. . . or possible:

1)  Love & Sunshine
A photo book by me in which I took advantage of a FREE Shutterfly photobook coupon by smothering the pages with my own photos of brighter, warmer days and happy moments of grace that I captured last year.  It's a good reminder that winter is only a season, and that spring will come again and be AWESOME.

Mmmm....I love sunshine.

2)  La La Land

It is romantic and beautiful and absolutely one of the best movies (if not THE best) I've ever seen.  It's like a dream with incredible detail and fun singing and dancing.  I left the theater in such a dreamy state that I hummed and danced my way through the street to our parked car, and Nick was in such a dreamy state that I could tell he almost considered joining me.  I've been listening to the soundtrack constantly and reliving the beauty, which has proven to be a fabulous way to rise above the winter blues!  "Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem..."

For the record, this is the FIRST screenshot I have ever taken on my phone. I'm quite proud of myself.  Watch out world. I can do technology now.

3)  My Best Friend's Wedding
Not the movie, but the actual event of the wedding of one of my best friends ever who is getting married in St. Louis in February!  We've been making plans and gearing up to celebrate and reconnect with old friends for a week-long getaway from work in the middle of the winter.  Just having something to look forward to helps brighten the days (even though, I'm sure I'll be dealing with post-wedding blues when it's all over, but that will be for another post!). ;)

4)  My new Curly Girl Planner!
If you haven't heard of Curly Girl Design (Leigh Standley), I highly recommend you check her out!  I have been obsessed with her work for years.  Her greeting cards are adorable and I simply love all of her designs!  I was just saying the other day how I wish I could have a book with all of her designs in it.  The NEXT DAY I came across this planner on clearance which is chock full of her adorably inspirational designs and quotes.  Hopefully it will make this year of adulting (which will include my transition from my twenties to my thirties *gulp*) a little more colorful!

Too. Cute.

5)  Reading the Bible daily

I wanted to read the whole Bible this year and to really understand it better, so I've been reading it every day.  Reading the Word of God has filled me with a subtle but real sense of hope, peace, and comfort, and plenty of questions!  I dug out my old notes from my college Bible study classes to help gain clarity on some things.  It has also made me curious to learn more about Judaism and Islam, and to see how our roots are all connected, so I plan to do some more reading on those religions as well.  #themoreyouknow

*To make sure I get through the Bible in a year in a manageable way, I downloaded a free app that breaks it down into easy-to-digest daily readings.  The app also offers cheesy little videos with overviews and insights to supplement each book or major section.  There are probably better apps out there, but this is the one I happened to pick--let me know if you've found a different one that you really like!  ALSO, while the app displays the readings on your phone for you, I choose to read from my actual Bible, mostly because I prefer the feeling of actual books, especially THE BOOK.  But when I finish reading from my Bible, I click the check mark on the app so it keeps track of my progress for me.

Anyway, that's how I'm managing the winter blues this year, because I don't want to let seasonal depression and self-doubt and stressing out about adult things take away from the simple joys of every day life.

Here's to the new year!

  

Mallows

On New Year's Eve we drove to Minnesota for a wedding.  The new year dawned somewhere between Indiana and Illinois.  It had started snowing and he was focused on keeping the car under control so that we didn't die.  I was marveling at how quickly the roads had gone from black to white.

As we slipped between time zones without a countdown or a ball drop or waiting around watching the clock, the new year slipped in without fanfare, just a continuation of the year before.

But then, aren't they all anyway?

I think about last year, how I considered it The Unexpected Year.  I had no real expectations for myself or the year.  I had no idea what it had in store, but I offered it to God with my trust, knowing that all I could do was change my attitude.  I call the result growing pains.

I was promoted at work to a manager in training, then when my former boss quit, I got her job.  I achieved a new level of barista certification.  My old college roommate got engaged.  My brother got engaged.  My friend from school got engaged to my cousin.  I turned another year older and I realized that I was too focused on what would happen next that I forgot to enjoy the moment.  From then on, I let myself enjoy the moments and feel the pain.

I learned to take stress at work in stride, to do everything in my power to handle stressful situations, and let the rest go.  I learned so much from the incredible women I work with.  I learned to do my job the best I can, but to not take it or myself so seriously.

I took a road trip to the mountains of Pennsylvania with the man I love.  We took a road trip to Baltimore for my brother's wedding where we had a great time and I gained a sister.  I took a road trip with some family to Iowa for the wedding of my friend and my cousin and I was so happy I kept crying.

I came home and celebrated two years with the man I continue to fall deeply in love with everyday.  We geared up for the holidays and our big road trip to Minnesota at New Year's, but tragedy hit.  A close family friend was diagnosed with stage four cancer.  He fought bravely, and I prayed that he would be able to at least have a peaceful Christmas at home.  God took him to his eternal Home for Christmas, and we mourned our loss.

The holidays carried on, as did the wake and the funeral.  Family I hadn't seen in years came in town to visit and that bittersweet week was one of the longest of my life.

Then came the epic road trip to Minnesota, the one we'd been gearing up for for quite some time.  It was an adventure through snow and ice and negative temperatures and the stomach flu, and the culmination of an unexpectedly action-packed year.  It was a beautiful wedding and a chance to see friends I hadn't seen in years.

And as we drove home through a dark Indiana night after the snow had stopped falling and traffic had lightened, the wind kicked up and in the distance were red blinking lights.  They were the big white windmills, eerily lighting our way, and I thought the same thing I do every time I see them:  wouldn't it be fun if instead of being white they were colorful, like giant pinwheels?!  (If you disagree, you're lying to yourself.)

And it reminded me of something he had said in one of our many conversations during that 15 hour road trip, how some people are the campfires that bring other people together.  "I was not the campfire," he said.  "I was the weird kid with the marshmallow stick."  I was the weird kid who avoided the campfire altogether and hid in the cabinet to stuff my face with marshmallows (or so my mother tells me. . .I was four).

So even though this year was off to a weird and rocky start, I am determined that it will be a good one.  We will paint the windmills to look like pinwheels, eat marshmallows and be happy.

The Fountain Pen and the Crayon (part two)

Continued from The Fountain Pen and the Crayon (part one) by guest writer Nick Scott.  I hope you enjoy this concluding piece to our adventures in Baltimore as much as I did!

Ah the open road. . .anything can happen on a road trip. Everything is fresh, new, and filled with excitement around every turn. I have always found driving to be a passive form of amnesia. Forget where you’re going, forget where you've been. Allow the wind to whistle through open windows, let the sun shine from above and fill the cabin with music. Days like this are meant for cruising and not blind speed. 

Dear God, this is a beautiful country!

Climbing up the mountains through the clouds, we pass a scenic overlook where all we see is fog. On a sketchy road through uncivilization we seek food and fuel but only find fog.  Then the clouds break and the sun shines and suddenly we are surrounded by water—a mountain lake shimmering deep blue diamonds beneath green slopes, and boats--lots of boats. This then becomes the highlight of our drive--such an oasis of beauty could not be found on the turn pike or toll road.

Our arrival in Baltimore was without trumpetis convocation.  You see, Baltimore isn't really a roll-out-the-red-carpet kind of town. It’s more smile-and-compliment-as-you’re-stabbed-in-the-side--“Charm City” it’s called. Still though, we were together and not in Ohio for a full weekend.

Back home, my Fridays are usually spent at the corner seat of a finely established Irish bar in Dayton, Ohio. Myself, a man named Jackson, Shamu (like the famous orca whale), Rob, Whitey, our benevolent host Mr. Flanagan, and occasionally countless others all seem to cross paths on Friday afternoons. We discuss life, fullfillingly meaningless things, topics of good nature, and just enjoy the breaks from the ordinary before the avalanche of the weekend crashes down upon our heads.  Occasionally Jackie will receive a pass from the purgatory of her day job and swing in wildly like Quasimodo yelling "Sanctuary!" (*editor's note:  this is only a slight exaggeration. . .) cornering up for a Guinness with the rest of us.  Given that Friday was our only semi-full day together in Baltimore, we felt compelled to carry on our Dayton routine to settle our souls before the wedding festivities began.  I had heard from the man named after a famous whale of a place in Fells Point in Baltimore called Leadbetter's.  Since you should always follow the orders of men named after famous whales, we went off in search.  

Fells Point  is an oasis from the grime of the city. I imagine that since it is filled with countless bars, restaurants, and old television landmarks, it is populated by a decent kind of people, the kind who don’t stab you in the side, but rather smile and just steal your wallet. We walked along the water's edge enjoying each other’s company as we searched for our original destination and the purpose for our adventure to Never Never Again Land.  We found the hole in the wall called Leadbetter's only to discover that on a holiday Indy race weekend in a major metropolitan city a bar didn't open until 4pm. What manner of hysterical nonsense is this? I see the people on the loose in search of food and beverage and this place offered none. We were desperate now, our plans thwarted, time was short and we needed to act quickly to salvage our day. Back-tracking toward the car we noticed a place called Slainte on the horizon. It seemed yuppie-Irish but for sure they would have another culture's good food. We popped in, settled up to a table, and placed our order.

I must be honest, as I don’t even remember what we said or if either of us spoke. I felt we were the silence in a storm; people flying by in all directions surrounded us.  Our thoughts were on the day to come, and, distracted, I left my wallet on a bench by the water.  I realized when we had returned a half hour later to the hotel.  Sure that someone would have taken it by now, but hoping for the off-chance that it was still there, we made the thirty minute drive back to the water.  Much stress and prayer later, the wallet was found exactly as I left it.  In the 8th most dangerous city to live in, my wallet sat safe on a bench in public for over an hour--a Baltimore Miracle!  But now we were late for the rehearsal. . .

Racing downtown we were dressed to our best ready to stand in support for these two preparing for their day of celebration. I was semi-instructed to put my normal nonsense aside. We would from this point on direct our focus toward the one we would soon call Krevin. Intrigue is my only feeling this wedding eve. When it's close family or a couple you know well getting married, you understand what’s happening and in many ways it can almost be boring and uneventful. Not the joining of two as one, but the motions of the days leading up to the big day. This was different, strange being a wallflower at this lovely occasion. It was clear from my view that this evening and the next day would wrap around these two like a thick cocoon and fill them with God, love and excitement.

Is there a more beautiful setting for two people to join hands than a well sorted old church? It’s like having the home court advantage, it has to help the occasion even if only slightly. Friends and family are gathered, music is playing and it’s almost time. I must point out however that I fear some who were in attendance might focus on the heat of this sweltering August day. Was it actually heat? Or was it something greater, far beyond our understanding? I was there and I felt something else:  love. This same wedding between these two people in the middle of winter would have felt the same. I truly felt like God was warming each of our souls in attempt to share the feelings these two had for each other. 

The parties have assembled and the music has heightened--it’s time. At that moment, whatever anyone felt about the thought of “heat” was gone. Stricken instantly from the conscious mind all our focus was on the celebration. Music filled the air accompanying a liturgy that felt like a floral breeze. We should all be thankful to have savored this brief moment in time. I’m a man of top tens and this one was up there.

Ah wedding receptions, a reason for guests to be appropriately drunk. Just a short trip downstairs and we as guests were treated to what could have passed for a hidden Tuscan hideaway. Lights circled the space with laughter and smiles filling the air. A unique calm settled over those of us in attendance and we were treated to tales of each half of Krevin past. We sat, chatted, and enjoyed the most delicious dinner one could ever have. I mean that in all sincerity. Our meal felt homemade and that is something special. A homemade meal is like a lighthouse on a shoreline, it will always lead you home. I believe strongly in the power of a meal, the combination of family and friends around a table creates an impenetrable force. It reminds us of what is really important, and will always warm the soul.

I should emphasize one thing about this entire tale of nonsense, fountain pens, and drunken crayons.  It's not the sights or sounds that any of us will remember, not the words that were spoken or the delicious food we ate.  What each of us will remember is how these two made us feel.  For a few special days in August, two people were kind enough to share their love for each other with their closest friends and family.  To Krevin I say, may your days be filled with smooth seas and calm breezes.

The Fountain Pen and the Crayon (part one)

"Sometimes I use a fountain pen, other times I'm a drunk three year old with a crayon." So says Nick Scott about his writing.  The following is the first part of a series of creative nonfiction guest posts he's been working on to describe our latest adventures.  His creative prose weaves a descriptive story of our excursion to German Fest and preparation for my brother's wedding in Baltimore with a social commentary based on our everyday ponderings of the American Dream.   It began as Fear and Loathing in Baltimore, inspired by Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas by his favorite author Hunter S. Thompson.  Editing was my job, and I loathed it, because it was all so good, but for the sake of brevity, I kept only the main points.   Enjoy! 

        The air is positive this day, strong and willful. Surrounded by an unflappable presence we are guarded. Strange how those around us don’t seem to notice. No time for this strong presence to be wasted on the herds. We are absorbing all greatness and through glory we would prevail.

       We can be found sitting full and fat, a glutinous mood we are enjoying. People talking, children running--are they finding enjoyment in the finer things in life, or blocking out the darkness for a quick glimpse of happiness? We are here for purpose: this is a day of exploration. Together we are finding our balance of love and togetherness. These are pigs free on a weekend pass. Slaughterhouse Monday can be spotted on the horizon and soon they’d all be butchered, sold off for another week of blood letting in corporate America.

     Gentle horn-blowing of oom-pah music rounds out the senses as we sit strong like pillars of society enjoying the fruits of Bavarian flavor. Wondrous feelings of longing and intoxication on this sunny afternoon. An effervescence of flavors sight and smell consume the conscious mind. Who has created this unique layer of festive flavor this cross between beer, almonds, sunshine, happiness and love? Our discussion swings wildly between love, displeasure in our work, and upcoming wedding travel but it's clear love is the root of the grand tree that is growing strong. We stand tall meeting the sun with our faces and march toward another location.  How will we survive this unfortunate circus? Where is the love and the longing? Is it there or here, we shall see where this journey leads and wonder how it will end.

    On the journey we often find ourselves fighting against Corporate America--where is the American dream? What has come of possibility? Today’s future is ripe with uncertainty and hopeless doubt. Many of us are told to chase that collegiate immortality and then when complete we stand before an elderly robe handing us a certificate of completion. Go forth and forge a prosperous path through a labyrinth of bottomless debt. Some manage to tackle this tower head on and come out the other side with the appearance of being unscathed. Prices will be paid with bits of the soul if not careful to maintain a sense of purpose and humanity whilst forging ones path. We see this everyday as the good or former good rise and fall with the changes of season.  Finding balance between want and need, desperation in the mind and desire in the heart I see as the ultimate challenge to survive in this new world. . . We don’t know what tomorrow will bring but we will through faith and love walk on. . .

      Our destination was Baltimore for a wedding, a joining of two souls into one. What frivolous family frolicking fun we will have. I have never attended many out of town weddings, but I understand the trauma that can befall anyone involved with an at-home wedding. I fear then that these emotions can increase rapidly the further from home one travels. My only real worry was our sanity. A human mind is a powerfully fragile thing and we were already under an increasing emotional strain. In order to protect ourselves we would need a mountain of prayer and strong defense mechanism to fall back on. Prayer is an easy and effective way of settling ones mind. It keeps us from becoming too over whelmed. Yet when suffering under the strain of what would undoubtedly be a wild family trip, sometimes the simplest defense mechanism is childish narcotics:  we had 2 pounds of gummy bears, four bars of imported chocolate, bags upon bags of mini bags of chips, and gallons of sugary sweet tasty beverages. Would more be necessary? Perhaps not but during long trips its best not to take any chances when dealing with matters of the mind.

     Route planning is important for any trip. An appropriate discretion of time must be allotted for each variable within the journey. When to leave, which direction to take, where to eat, and when to rest. Avoiding the uncommon (communist’s) states would be a priority for safe travel. I once got food poisoning from a Pizza Hut in lower Tennessee. I was discovered by friends lying near a water runoff from a nuclear power plant. Absurdity of this level would not be tolerated, and I knew it.

   We were set then--5 am Thursday morning we would depart Dayton bound for the disaster of Columbus, Ohio and The Ohio State University. Our passengers would be the best man and his keeper, Jan and Den, I call them. Our plan was to arrive early load up and be gone before the corporate zombies had time to endanger our lives by being late for work. If all goes to plan we will be out of Ohio before 10:30 am.

to be continued. . .

The Wedding Party

We live in an age where marriage is constantly discredited and written off.  I hear all the time, "Oh, I don't believe in marriage."  And "You should just do what you want."  I find it ironic that in a time such as this when marriage is held in no to little regard, when people marry two or three or four times because "marriage doesn't work," everyone also suddenly wants "equal rights" for marriage.

Think about it.

Sex and children have been separated from marriage.  Sex has become a recreation, an expression, a source of "self-discovery" for teenagers who are taught birth control because "they're going to do it anyway, and we don't want them to have to face the consequences of their actions."  This is dangerously unrealistic.

Life is a series of choices and consequences.  It kills me when young girls who find out that they are pregnant claim, "I don't know how it happened."  What are they being taught in sex ed?  Are educators sugar coating the FACTS OF LIFE with condoms and oral contraceptives?  How is that educational?  Or healthy?  Teenagers learn little except that they can do whatever they want as long as they use protection.  Well why aren't they being told to protect their hearts?  Why aren't they being told that they are valuable, they have dignity, brains, and talents and their worth is not dependent on losing their virginity?  Why aren't they being told that giving someone everything they want is not how you build a relationship of mutual trust and respect?

This distorted reality of "casual," "experimental" relationships is not inspiring people to suddenly settle down into loving, committed marriages.  Nor does it teach them the value of strong marriages as the foundations for happy, well-adjusted families.  But these families are necessary to the foundation of society.

Still, I find it ironic that it wasn't until this time when marriage and family have been obscured and broken and "modernized" that there has been an incredible increase in public support for same-sex marriage.  I guess I don't understand why the same people who think marriage "doesn't work" are suddenly so intent on letting anyone take part.  It's not that I don't think same-sex couples can have loving, committed relationships, or that they shouldn't have the same rights as everyone else, it's that I hold that marriage is not even a political issue, it's a spiritual one.

Mother Teresa spoke often of the spiritual poverty of the West.  It's a lukewarm, numbed down, "believe in anything and stand for nothing" kind of spiritualism.  Because I stand for things that make people uncomfortable (i.e. life vs. abortion, the traditions of my faith, the awesomeness of nuns, marriage, natural family planning) I am often seen as a close-minded, heartless, judgmental bigot.

Which is funny, because I'm actually a very understanding person.  Just because I believe these things doesn't mean I judge people who don't.  It doesn't mean I don't have the reason and the heart to see where other people are coming from and learn to understand why they think the way they do.  I only ask that I receive the same respect.

So when I say that I believe in marriage, that I don't believe in divorce, that I believe marriage is between a man and a woman, that I don't believe marriage is a magical spell that binds people together happily ever after, that I believe it is not to be entered lightly because it is not a walk in a park but a road to salvation, I say it from my heart, not from my Catholic cradle as a mindless recitation of old-school traditionalist beliefs that were shoved down my throat.  These beliefs come from the heart of an educated woman who has had a lifetime encounter with Christ via Catholicism, which she accepted fully only after coming into a fuller understanding of it, its traditions, and its teachings.

I also don't spout my beliefs as a holier-than-though preacher (God knows I am far, far from perfect), but as a person who loves people and desires the greatest good of all humanity.  I believe Jesus shows us what true humanity and true freedom are.

I believe that we are all destined to communion with God, which is why I love weddings.  I believe that weddings are the earthly taste of the love and glory we will find in heaven.  Yes, in a way, I believe that heaven is one giant, never-ending wedding reception, but not the kind we have here on earth (I do hope there's an open bar. . . ;-) ).  I believe it is the marriage of Christ and His Bride, the Church, the wedding feast of the Lamb.  It is something spectacular and glorious beyond all human imagination, but something we receive a taste of at every Mass, and at every wedding.

In heaven, there are no lonely bridesmaids drinking the night away with drunken groomsmen, wondering when it will be their turn.  The bridesmaids and groomsmen are the angels (this may not be theologically correct, but my friend Angie and I like to think that it is).  There are no women abused verbally, physically, or emotionally.  There are no adulterous encounters to tear families apart.  There is only God in all His Glory and endless Mercy, loving us unconditionally.

What we experience of this union on earth is imperfect, and corrupted by our sinfulness, but it is a taste of what we hope for.  At a wedding, we watch the groom's face light up with love and anticipation as the woman he loves processes down the aisle toward him.  It's the same love and anticipation Christ has for us as He waits for us in heaven.  The aisle to heaven, however, is not covered in rose petals scattered by our niece in a sparkly dress.  It is lined with roses and thorns, sickness and health, suffering and joy, good times and bad.  It is narrow, but, thankfully, we don't have to walk it alone.

God said, "It is not good for man to be alone," so he gave man a woman.  Together they sinned, he banished them from paradise, and then he sent his Son to give up his own life in order to redeem them.  We are all called to follow Christ's example, to lay down our lives for one another, to pour out our lives for one another.  Some of us are called to do this in marriage, but marriage isn't supposed to be easy--it is a way to salvation.  The wedding represents the ultimate goal of heaven, and the joyful union we'll find there.  The marriage, the life of "happily ever after" is the walk down that really long, narrow aisle--but waiting there at the end is our first and forever truest love, Jesus Christ.

The best part is that God does not abandon us during this journey.  He sends loving family and friends, as well as the Holy Spirit to be with us and guide us along the way so we can enter eternal life with him.  That's why, even when we make mistakes, even when we hurt and deny him, even when the going gets tough and we feel like he doesn't see us anymore, even when the life we planned with him doesn't turn out at all the way we dreamed it would and we want to just give up, He still loves us.

Marriage (any vocation for that matter) requires that we first die to ourselves and give of ourselves freely, totally, faithfully, and fruitfully all the days of our lives.  And when our lives on earth are over, we get to enter heaven, where there will be an epic party to celebrate.