As I sit here letting my fingers glide over the keyboard, I know that it has been too long since I've really written on here regularly. Ingrid Michaelson is playing, and I am reminded of that time her song "The Way I Am" was an incredible grace for me.
The song was new to me, but I loved it. I was on a retreat with the Little Flowers (my household, which is like a spiritual sisterhood) my sophomore year of college. In a moment of prayer, little introverted me received an immense grace. I felt for the first time really and truly unconditionally loved for me. I felt I had lived my life up until then content to hide in the shadows of my older siblings, lost in my own little introverted head. God whispered to me that day that I am unique, that I have my own light to shine, and I don't have to compare myself or try to live up to someone else's expectations: I have only to be me, and God will take me the way I am.
With the words of Ingrid's quirky song in my head, I felt really and truly loved and alive.
It's funny how over the years we change, and yet we stay so much the same.
I couldn't resist!
At a workshop I recently attended, I heard it put this way: Change is inevitable; growth is optional.
I love that. Change will always come with time, and often without our having any control over it--seasons, age, sickness, outward obstacles that prevent us from going where we want to go. Growth, however, is an option. Growth is born out of our reaction to whatever life throws our way.
Lately I've been focusing on that whole, "Bloom where you're planted" idea. Part of that blooming means first rediscovering myself. For too long I've played the victim of circumstance. I can't seem to get ahead making any big changes, so I'm starting small. These small steps are creating momentum, and I find that I'm accomplishing more, but more importantly, I'm remembering who I am. That helps me remember to do the things I love.
By making a priority to write, I am remembering that writing is a part of who I am. It's how I express myself, how I best communicate with others. I have stories in me that I need to tell, and I'm letting myself tell them now. As I allow this part of me to bloom, as I accept my need to be this person, I am being more true to myself, and that will help me not only move forward but also live more fully where I am.
In many ways, though I've changed and grown a lot over the years, I am still that immature, romantic college sophomore who made the song from an Old Navy sweater commercial her anthem. She's a part of me, a part of who I have become, a part of who I am becoming. The darkness that has fallen over my life these days is similar to the darkness I experienced before that revelation, but I've placed my hope once again in God and in His particular care for me.
In my time of need, He is reminding me how much He cares for me. He is telling me that He won't take away all the pain, because the pain brings me closer to His own suffering heart. He wants to hold me close to His heart, to let His blood cover me and purify me. He takes me the way I am. He wants more for me than I want for myself, and when I give Him full reign over my life, He teaches me how to love myself better, and in turn, love others better.
He takes me the way I am.
He takes you the way you are.
He loves us unconditionally. Even if we keep making mistakes and falling and failing miserably and ignoring Him completely, He is still there to pick us up. And He wants us to do this for each other.
I aspire.
