Peace

The Lord works in mysterious ways. He often uses our weaknesses and the ordinary events of our daily lives to bring us closer to Him. Yes, I believe that when we trust Him, or even desire to trust Him, He works all things out for our good. It may not always look or feel good in the moment, but He’s always working things out so that we can come closer to Him. For example:

In the beginning of the year, I challenged myself to read George Weigel’s 800+ page biography of Saint Pope John Paul II, Witness to Hope. It was a journey that took four solid months, but it eventually brought me a good deal closer to the saint who was pope for the first seventeen years of my life. A few months after I finished reading the book, my sister-in-law began an Endow study to discuss John Paul II’s Letter to Women, and I knew I needed to delve into this letter that I had fully intended to read after I finished the book but kept forgetting about. 

I didn’t really know most of the women, but they welcomed me with open hearts (thanks, ladies!). It was an unexpectedly vulnerable experience for me. I haven’t been part of a group of women with whom I could really dig into the faith since college, and I had almost forgotten how to do it.

Thankfully, the study itself was designed to remind us of our inherent dignity as women, and especially as unique women. We are not all called to the same path in this life. We are not all equipped with the same gifts and talents. BUT, we are all called to live in the love of God. 

The study helped me to really and truly remember the love that God has for me as I am. The love He has for all of us as we are. It reminded me that just because I fall into cycles of thinking He expects more from me than I feel capable of giving, He still loves me. And what He desires more than anything is my reliance on Him. Not reliance to do the hard things in my life for me, or to take the hard things away, but to give me the grace, the strength, and the courage to do them myself. 

As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been sitting with the question “what now” for awhile. Trying to figure it out myself has brought up so many anxieties and deep-rooted fears. I finally asked my Endow group one night to pray for my healing from these fears.

The next day was the feast of St. Therese of Lisieux, my dear patron saint, and I found myself so eager for mass that I got to the chapel an hour early. I told God about my frustration with my anxiety, how I felt stuck and unable to move forward, how I felt like a failure and a disappointment. He reminded me of His unconditional love, and He said clearly in my heart of my fears, “Give them to me.”

Since then, I’ve been giving Him my fears and anxieties repeatedly. Over and over, asking for healing, for greater trust, for freedom. And He is taking them, unraveling them as if He were undoing a giant knot that the devil had left in my heart. It’s taking time, but little by little, I see grace working in different areas of my day-to-day life.

In areas where I tended to react with anger that would fester, I recover more quickly. In areas where I find myself doing tedious tasks, my heart is filled with love so that even the dullest duties of my every day can be offered to God. For the last couple days I’ve felt oddly “neutral.” Not numb, not despairing, not happy, but not-not happy. Neutral. It was only today that I realized that the underlying feeling here is actually peace.

I’m still a ways off from being completely rid of these fears and anxieties, but I will continue to surrender them to God, and I trust more every day that He will take them and “restore, establish, and strengthen” me. (1 Peter 5:10)

In the meantime, I am thankful. Thankful for the Endow study and the women I studied with. Thankful for St. John Paul II and his Letter to Women. Thankful that God uses our weaknesses as well as the ordinary choices we make (like picking up a book) to help us progress on the path to holiness, to Him. Thankful for you and the gift you are to the world just by being you.

Taco Tuesday

I’ve been silent on here a lot longer than I ever meant to be. Almost a whole year. I don’t have any definitive explanation for why. There are lots of excuses I could make, but a big part of it is that I made it too complicated. Like I tend to make most things in life more complicated than they need to be.

Today I was off work and I had this dream of going to a coffee shop and letting someone else make me coffee so I could sit there and have a really prolific writing session with my fiction project.

Instead, I sat there and flipped through several different writing projects. I deleted one, and tapped a few words here and there on another, and tried to edit one more. Then, for a solid ten minutes, I found myself just sipping my coffee and staring out the window at the truly ordinary scene of the world passing in front of me. 

I watched nothing happen on the backside of a Taco Bell. I noticed a cute green chair I would like to have in the tattoo parlor next door. I stared absently at a man sweeping the sidewalk in front of the coin and jewelry store. I wondered if the disc golf store across the street also sells marijuana (not because I want to buy any--I surely do not--but because it looks like they might). I marveled at the way the sun streaming through the tree branches painted shadows across the “coffee” sign outside.

In those moments of observation with coffee cup in hand, I remembered my tendency to over-complicate things. In life and in my writing. I try to force things, to control them, to make them perfect. 

For a couple years now I’ve felt called to pursue something particular in my life. I have actively pursued it, and in the process I have learned just how little control I have over the results. But in the process, I have experienced a deep spiritual awakening that continues to grow. I’m at a point where I am ready to shift my focus onto other pursuits, but what?

That was the prevailing thought I had at that window seat with my coffee today looking at the backside of a Taco Bell in the Tuesday morning light: what now?

I have no idea, but I’m going to continue sitting with the question. In the meantime, I’m still here. And if you’re sitting with a similar question, you are not alone: I raise my coffee cup in communion with you.

“We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.” (Romans 8:28)

My Friend Jane

Teenage me was bewitched body and soul and I love-I love-I loved the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice (2005) from the first time I saw it in the theater.  Jane Austen's classic story came to life in a beautiful way that still seemed relevant and relatable, with a delightful soundtrack that swept me into the story.

At the time, I had seen and enjoyed repeatedly a few of her other books-turned-films in Emma Thompson's version of Sense and Sensibility (1995) and Gwyneth Paltrow's portrayal in Emma (1996).  This new film, though, sparked a desire to know the full story.  I read the book, and watched my aunt's VHS copy of the BBC's 1995 miniseries of Pride and Prejudice. And then I bought and frequently watched the new version of P&P--it became a comfort movie for when I was sick, for when I wanted to fall asleep to a movie, for when I needed something familiar on in the background.

Over the years, other movie versions of her books came across my path and I watched and enjoyed many of them.  I finally read Sense and Sensibility and picked up Emma a few times to read it but had seen the movie so many times that I lost interest in the painfully long book.

Finally, as someone with an English degree and a professed love for all things Austen, I decided that it was high time I take to the books and actually read them through.  So for the last several months I have been chipping away at all of Austen's six main novels. 

In case you care at all about my unprofessional opinions of them, here they are in a loose order of least favorite to most favorite:

Emma

I love the story, the characters, Mr. Knightley, etc.  The movie is hilarious.  I did not, however, enjoy reading this book very much.  There's a reason this novel is the only one titled after the main character:  she's so full of herself that it couldn't possibly be titled anything else!  Emma of course goes through some self-actualization toward the end of the book when she recognizes her vanity and selfishness.  That stretch of a few chapters was my favorite part of this painfully long book.  

Again, part of the reason I think it was so difficult for me to get through is that it's so similar to the movie, only much longer and drawn out with many social interactions that are cut out of the movie for a reason:  they're not necessary.  Definitely worth reading once, but if I ever pick it up again, it will be to skim through it.

Mansfield Park

I have a very love-hate relationship with this book. There are some really interesting and complex characters who do some really weird and crazy things (including the horrible Mrs. Norris, the namesake of Filch's cat in Harry Potter).  However, the supposed hero and heroine are severely lacking in my opinion. Edmund and Fanny come across as dull and flat to me. Fanny is introverted and shy, yes, but I know that with all of the crazy going on around her she must have had some more interesting inner commentary than what is relayed to the reader.  She also seemed to worship Edmund in a really creepy way for someone raised as her brother. Though they are technically cousins, they are far too much like siblings for their relationship to be acceptable, even in the 1800s. 

Again, I'm not an expert, but I think that this book would have been better if it had just had a little more editing.  It's the longest of Austen's novels, and the style is just a little choppy compared to the others.  The descriptions of shrubberies and hedges outweigh the insights into Fanny's character and personality.  

Northanger Abbey

This was the only Austen novel that I read without having seen some film version of it beforehand, and I found it to be thoroughly enjoyable! It's a quick and easy read, with the young Catherine getting caught up in all the books she reads so that her imagination begins to run wild with fantasies of love and drama.  It's sweet, funny, simple, and entertaining, and the 2007 film version starring Felicity Jones (which I watched after I read the book) is a great adaptation.

Pride and Prejudice

As you already know, this story is close to my heart.  This was my third time reading it, and I always gain some new insight. It's such a lesson in human character, how quick we are to judge people based on our first impressions, and how very, very wrong we can be.  My only issue with the book is that there are sections of social gatherings and really long letters that tend to slow the story down at times. But the way that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are each humbled to accept their own faults and pride, and then to forgive one another and recognize their love. . .*sigh* My first and forever favorite.

Sense and Sensibility

I laughed out loud so much while reading this book.  To me, it's the most enjoyable to read, possibly because of how much I relate to both Elinor and Marianne that I become truly absorbed in the story. The Emma Thompson movie version and the more recent BBC miniseries are both equally incredible adaptations of this book, but nothing compares to the depth of character and emotion you find in these pages. A favorite of mine in a different way.

Persuasion 

This book was a little slow in the first chapter or two, and then BAM it's amazing. It is a story that is meant to be read, and as this was the last book Austen wrote before she died, the craft and style of the writing are polished and exquisite.  The sheer emotion on these pages tugs at the heart and gives the reader just enough to want more until it all culminates in perhaps the most satisfying ending of any Austen book. The film versions have their moments, but the book has it all.

In conclusion...
I am really glad I finally read all of these books!  Unfortunately, I know that a lot of my opinions about them are influenced heavily by the movie adaptations I watched first, but if it hadn't been for those movies, would I have picked up the books in the first place?  It's hard to say.

In any case, I'm thankful for Jane, for her literary genius, her witty social commentaries, and her ability to write such strong female characters.  I love that her stories and characters are still relevant today, and that I have Austenite friends who I can nerd out with about them.

My friend Jane

Aimless Wanderings

Maybe it's just me, but I kind of thought there for a little while that life would somehow get easier or less complicated the longer I adulted.  As if the more I practiced, the easier it would get, or the longer I waited, the clearer the answers would become.

All I've learned, and especially this year, is that instead of answers, we only face more questions.  We all have our own battles that we're facing, and for the most part, we all just go around living like everything is fine. Is that because we feel we're supposed to be adults and just suck up our feelings and deal with our problems?  We hear screaming children from various corners of the store at work and we always sort of look at each other sadly and say, "That's how I feel inside."  It hurts my ears, but I admire the honesty of children, and I wish I could be that vocally honest about my own feelings sometimes.

Courtesy of my brother, from Fawnly Prints

Those brave souls who speak out about their struggles and insecurities--I admire their ability to be vulnerable, to bare their souls, to speak up so that others who are experiencing similar battles can know that they are not alone and can find comfort or perspective or fuel for their own fight.  But sometimes our battles are so deeply personal, or we are so deep in the thick of it that speaking up is not in the cards for us right now.  

So what do we do?  Keep plastering on our brave faces and plugging along like everything's fine?  

Some other alternatives are to 1) scream in the middle of the grocery store (tempting, I know) or 2) offer enough vague complaints that people have pity on us and begin to pry in well-meaning attempts to offer support, but then we remember that we actually don't want to talk about it because it's so personal and complicated that a general explanation will never do and neither will giving this person access to our deepest, darkest secrets.

Or, we can choose to continue to wander aimlessly as we strive to fight our battles with brave faces and find balance in our awkward, complicated lives.  We can learn to appreciate the present and enjoy life where we are while we wait for life where we want to be.  And we can take comfort knowing that God is with us in our wanderings.  He sees each (mis)step we take, and His hand guides us gently along the way.  

When we have a bad day--one where we're so physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted that we actually feel like this might be it, this is where we lose it completely--He gives us a new day full of new mercies.

That's right, as we finish our Head and Heart Reset yoga flow with Adriene in the early morning before work, the final twist turns our head to the window so that we see the first glimmer of morning light through the trees, the beginning of the gentle fade from black night to blue day.  And as we sit outside for morning prayer, the cool fresh air fills our lungs and the chattering of the birds soothes our souls and we are reminded that He loves us, that He is working in us even when we are filled with pain--or confusion, or disgust at our own sin, or anxiety, or depression, or anger, or questions, or all of these things and more-- that the cross must come before the glory.

When we remember that He is there with us through it all, we learn how to accept these unpleasant things as they come, even if we don't always accept them happily or patiently.  And we learn, as Rainier Marie Rilke wrote in Letters to a Young Poet, to 

". . . be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.  Perhaps you do carry within yourself the possibility of shaping and forming as a particularly happy and pure way of living; train yourself to it--but take whatever comes with great trust. . .take it upon yourself and hate nothing. . ."

You can find Alanna's music on iTunes and Bandcamp!

As I've been learning this all the hard way in the last several weeks, I've been wandering aimlessly to the soundtrack of the lovely young poet Alanna Boudreau's album Goodbye Stranger.  Her music (especially this album and her previous album, Champion) helped me to the realization of what I've written here.  By providing a lovely sound to listen to along with intricately beautiful images and poetry, her music presents and reflects great mysteries that sweetly linger and haunt my thoughts. They leave me questioning and pondering, but in such a way that I find myself able to enjoy the uncertainty, that I'm now able to sit more comfortably with my constant questions, and to explore beauty from different perspectives.

Having realized that, I find myself here, telling you, dear reader, that you are not alone in your aimless wandering, in your questions answered with more questions, in your pain, in your fight.  We are all in this together, and the great God who loves us more than we know, has us all in His capable hands.

Lay It Down

Back in January, Yoga with Adriene hosted a free series called TRUE:  30 Day Yoga Journey.  It was perfect for me since I'd just received a pretty new yoga mat for Christmas and was determined to actually start taking care of my body this year.  When I turned 30 last year, it was like a light finally flicked on in my head that told me that if I didn't start moving more, I was going to sink into the couch with the potato chip crumbs and wither away.  Since I've never been one to enjoy anything that requires too much exertion (i.e. anything that involves running), I figured becoming more serious about practicing yoga was a safe place to start.

I began the 30 day journey and added 5-10 minutes of some extra exercises (like squats, push ups--which I can actually do now--mountain climbers, etc.) every day and wow.  I noticed changes within the first week.  Not big, extravagant physical changes, but small ones inside.  For one thing, I love exercising this way.  It's slow and intentional, which is so how I prefer to live my life when I can.  I began to enjoy the feeling of becoming stronger, and of becoming more in tune with my body.  

Mostly, though, I felt myself becoming more disciplined.  Even on days when I didn't really want to come to my mat, I made the choice and felt so much better for it.  

A huge grace was coming across this quote by Saint Josemaria Escriva on a tank top at an online shop right around the time I began this journey:  "To begin is for everyone.  To persevere is for saints."  I immediately thought, "That's me!  I want to be a saint, so I must persevere!"  Now I hear those words in my heart, a whisper in the morning when I 'd rather roll over and close my eyes for a few more minutes:  Persevere.  Do it for God.  He gave you this body, now take care of it, be good and true to it.  Do this for yourself, and for any children He may give you in the future.  Don't just begin.  Keep going, persevere.

When I continually choose to take the time to come to my mat, I find that the discipline makes me more aware of all the choices before me during the day--the choices between nature and grace.  I don't always choose the right one, and I often find myself battling my natural reactions and inclinations, but I am stronger--physically, mentally, emotionally--for the fight.

A few of my favorite things.
And yes, sometimes I come to my mat with my coffee and some spiritual food for thought.

"The language of yoga teaches me how to balance my energy so I may have everything I need to serve others and help make the world a better place." 

~Adriene Mishler of Yoga with Adriene

*        *        *

I come to my mat with my intention--to be holy, to be a saint, to be a light.  I lay it down, I lay down everything I am, everything I long to be, I lay it down at Your feet, Lord.

I come here to be more in tune with my breath, with Your breath in me.  When I am in tune with my breath, my center, I am in tune with You.  I am better able to discern the line between nature and grace, better able to choose the better part, which is You.

I want to run the race so as to win.  I want to walk in Your ways, Lord, but I am broken.  I let my nature dictate my actions.  I am self-seeking.  I ignore Your grace.  I push it away.  I stumble and fall. 

Day after day, hour after hour, I find myself on my knees at Your feet, laying it all down again and again.  I come here to be better, stronger, healthier, holier.  

By Your grace, I will persevere.  I will continue to lay it all down, everything I am, everything I long to be, at Your feet.  I will surrender all to You, Lord, for You are the source of all strength, all grace.  Your power is made perfect in my weakness. 

You tell me, "Child, your sins are forgiven. . .rise, take up your mat and walk!"

I believe, Lord; help my unbelief!

A cork yoga mat I won in a raffle at work! Yay for free stuff!

Side Notes

*Motivational quotes aside, I didn't finish the series in a consecutive 30 days due to a circumstance that is a story for another day, but as soon as I was able, I retraced a few days and then kept going.  I don't practice every single day, but I practice more days than I don't.  Now that I'm stronger, more toned and disciplined, and now that the weather is finally nicer, I am ready and excited to get outside to walk (not run) and bike more, to push myself to be more fit and active and healthier all around.

*If you are interested in starting at home yoga practice (I still have never been to a class), I highly recommend Yoga with Adriene.  It's free on YouTube, and her practices are very casual (sometimes her giant dog lumbers in to join her), and are the perfect mix of focus and goofiness.  It's like doing yoga with a friend, but a friend who can't see how totally not flexible you might be. :)

* "Lay It Down," by Matt Maher: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPoxM0D_0n8

The Love Letter

Today I finished my fifteen month journey of reading the Bible in a year.

Obviously I didn't accomplish my original goal of reading it all in twelve months, but life happened and here we are.  It's weird to think that when I began, I was a whole year younger, with so many dreams and hopes for what the year would bring.  The journey wasn't anything I expected.

I struggled in the first few months to find a system that worked for me so that reading God's Word didn't feel like a chore.  Eventually I sucked it up and developed the habit of waking up fifteen minutes earlier every day so that I could take that time to sit with God and soak in His message.  Some mornings my heart was too heavy or too tired to read, so I simply sat in silence with God, or poured out my heart in my prayer journal.

Because I was no longer beginning my day with the stress, anxiety, and nonsense that often comes with scrolling through social media or watching the news, I began to feel more peaceful, and I noticed God's Spirit moving in me in a more real way.  I began to make better choices throughout my days and develop other good habits.

From the outside, my life hasn't changed much in the last fifteen months, but I honestly feel like I've been on a real journey.  I've had some beautifully fun reunions with old friends who are more like family, and I've been through some seriously dark times and struggled in silent desperation.  I've had deeply profound spiritual experiences at the beach, and had tearful meltdowns when circumstances led me to eat cold Chipotle alone in the car after a long, frustrating day at work.  I've had identity crises where I've tried to reconcile who I was with who I am with who I want to be with who God created me to be.

And all along in these growing pains and turbulent existential waters, the love letter that is God's Word has reminded me of His love, His peaceful ocean of mercy. 

And I've learned that what's even more important than loving God is recognizing this love He has for us.  His love for us is fierce and gentle, all-encompassing, unconditional.  He takes us as we are, and, if we let Him, he will make us new creations in grace.

Take this from 1 John 4:10 as His valentine to you:

In this is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the expiation for our sins.

He loves me.  He loves you.  He loves the cranky lady in line  at the grocery store.  He loves the person in front of you who failed to use their turn signal.  He loves the person in authority at work who continues to make decisions you disagree with.  He loves us.

He loves you.

It's not coincidence that Lent begins on Valentine's Day this year.  God's message of love for us is also an invitation to take the time to let Him tell us just how much He loves us.  One great way for women to do this is by signing up to receive daily Scripture readings with short reflections through Blessed Is She.  These have been a huge source of grace for me!

In addition to these daily dives into Scripture, I'm going to be re-reading one of my all-time favorite books, I Believe in Love by Father Jean C.J. d'Elbee.  Every time I read it, I am able to go deeper into the mystery of God's love for us, and He helps me to believe even more strongly in Love. I highly recommend it!

So, Happy Valentine's Day, Happy Lent, and take heart knowing that God loves you more than you will ever know!  He loved you first and He will love you forever!

Lately (i.e. Winter is Dumb, but God is Good)

"The Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." (Matthew 26:41)

But I've been wondering. . .is the spirit willing?  Lately, I think not.

Deep down, the commitment is there, but in the day to day, I'm just plain tired.

Tired of the way things are.  Tired of trying to figure out what the next step is.  Tired of trying to change things when all my efforts are met with failure.

Disappointment and frustration cloud my view of all that I should be grateful for and all the ways I can live more fully where I am.

My sins suck me down, and others around me are beginning to feel my anger and frustration since I no longer have the energy to hide it--or am I even trying anymore?

People notice, and their humbling comments bring me to my knees, and once again, Mercy intervenes.

*           *           *

"I am dead to sin and now living in Christ Jesus."

The preacher let the words sink in, then repeated them, "We must remember and live that truth:  I am dead to sin and now living in Christ Jesus."

I want to remember.  I want to live like this, to believe it in my heart, to let it pulse through my veins.

But I get in my own way.  I let the darkness of my sin, of my fear consume me--fear of my self, of who I think I should be, of who I actually am, of who I want to be, of my constant state of failure at trying to be a woman of Love.

But if I am truly dead to sin, I need not fear my weaknesses or my failings.  I will still fall, because I'm human.  But I am now living in Christ Jesus, and He will make up for all I lack, in His mercy, His grace, His goodness, His love.

*           *           *

I always have such high hopes when the New Year rolls around.  This year was no different, and even though the first week was as boring as a pile of dirt and colder and more miserable than I can really handle without turning into a monster, I still have hope.  

My reflections and ponderings of last year (and my attitude this past week) provided me with some ugly truths about myself, leading me to think that quite possibly the changes I need to make are not so much in my external circumstances, but in my soul.  I can't just keep holding on to a superficial optimism that if I endure the difficulties with a glued-on smile, that's doing God's will for my life, and everything will turn out okay.  

I need to actually open my heart and soul and life up wide to His promised Grace and Mercy and let Him do something new in me.  And I think part of opening myself up to that is letting go of my old self, the comfortable self that likes to be cozy and comfortable and watch lots of cheesy wholesome movies.  Last year I developed better habits, one being a routine of reading the Bible and praying in the morning before I go to work.  This prayer life is a good foundation, but I find myself now at a crossroads--it's time to actually live.  That means that I need to do things that scare me, but that are good for me (like doing more yoga and exercising to get into shape, like cooking healthy meals, like finding friends nearby who share my faith).

Because as I've written before, in order to love others as we love ourselves, we have to first love ourselves, to take care of ourselves, to allow ourselves to be loved by God and formed into new creations by His merciful touch.  

I want to believe with every fiber of my being that I am dead to sin and now living in Christ Jesus, and to let His Love transform me from the inside out so that with every breath I take, I am living life to the full in His Love.

I believe, Lord.  Help my unbelief!