My Friend Jane

Teenage me was bewitched body and soul and I love-I love-I loved the Keira Knightley version of Pride and Prejudice (2005) from the first time I saw it in the theater.  Jane Austen's classic story came to life in a beautiful way that still seemed relevant and relatable, with a delightful soundtrack that swept me into the story.

At the time, I had seen and enjoyed repeatedly a few of her other books-turned-films in Emma Thompson's version of Sense and Sensibility (1995) and Gwyneth Paltrow's portrayal in Emma (1996).  This new film, though, sparked a desire to know the full story.  I read the book, and watched my aunt's VHS copy of the BBC's 1995 miniseries of Pride and Prejudice. And then I bought and frequently watched the new version of P&P--it became a comfort movie for when I was sick, for when I wanted to fall asleep to a movie, for when I needed something familiar on in the background.

Over the years, other movie versions of her books came across my path and I watched and enjoyed many of them.  I finally read Sense and Sensibility and picked up Emma a few times to read it but had seen the movie so many times that I lost interest in the painfully long book.

Finally, as someone with an English degree and a professed love for all things Austen, I decided that it was high time I take to the books and actually read them through.  So for the last several months I have been chipping away at all of Austen's six main novels. 

In case you care at all about my unprofessional opinions of them, here they are in a loose order of least favorite to most favorite:

Emma

I love the story, the characters, Mr. Knightley, etc.  The movie is hilarious.  I did not, however, enjoy reading this book very much.  There's a reason this novel is the only one titled after the main character:  she's so full of herself that it couldn't possibly be titled anything else!  Emma of course goes through some self-actualization toward the end of the book when she recognizes her vanity and selfishness.  That stretch of a few chapters was my favorite part of this painfully long book.  

Again, part of the reason I think it was so difficult for me to get through is that it's so similar to the movie, only much longer and drawn out with many social interactions that are cut out of the movie for a reason:  they're not necessary.  Definitely worth reading once, but if I ever pick it up again, it will be to skim through it.

Mansfield Park

I have a very love-hate relationship with this book. There are some really interesting and complex characters who do some really weird and crazy things (including the horrible Mrs. Norris, the namesake of Filch's cat in Harry Potter).  However, the supposed hero and heroine are severely lacking in my opinion. Edmund and Fanny come across as dull and flat to me. Fanny is introverted and shy, yes, but I know that with all of the crazy going on around her she must have had some more interesting inner commentary than what is relayed to the reader.  She also seemed to worship Edmund in a really creepy way for someone raised as her brother. Though they are technically cousins, they are far too much like siblings for their relationship to be acceptable, even in the 1800s. 

Again, I'm not an expert, but I think that this book would have been better if it had just had a little more editing.  It's the longest of Austen's novels, and the style is just a little choppy compared to the others.  The descriptions of shrubberies and hedges outweigh the insights into Fanny's character and personality.  

Northanger Abbey

This was the only Austen novel that I read without having seen some film version of it beforehand, and I found it to be thoroughly enjoyable! It's a quick and easy read, with the young Catherine getting caught up in all the books she reads so that her imagination begins to run wild with fantasies of love and drama.  It's sweet, funny, simple, and entertaining, and the 2007 film version starring Felicity Jones (which I watched after I read the book) is a great adaptation.

Pride and Prejudice

As you already know, this story is close to my heart.  This was my third time reading it, and I always gain some new insight. It's such a lesson in human character, how quick we are to judge people based on our first impressions, and how very, very wrong we can be.  My only issue with the book is that there are sections of social gatherings and really long letters that tend to slow the story down at times. But the way that Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy are each humbled to accept their own faults and pride, and then to forgive one another and recognize their love. . .*sigh* My first and forever favorite.

Sense and Sensibility

I laughed out loud so much while reading this book.  To me, it's the most enjoyable to read, possibly because of how much I relate to both Elinor and Marianne that I become truly absorbed in the story. The Emma Thompson movie version and the more recent BBC miniseries are both equally incredible adaptations of this book, but nothing compares to the depth of character and emotion you find in these pages. A favorite of mine in a different way.

Persuasion 

This book was a little slow in the first chapter or two, and then BAM it's amazing. It is a story that is meant to be read, and as this was the last book Austen wrote before she died, the craft and style of the writing are polished and exquisite.  The sheer emotion on these pages tugs at the heart and gives the reader just enough to want more until it all culminates in perhaps the most satisfying ending of any Austen book. The film versions have their moments, but the book has it all.

In conclusion...
I am really glad I finally read all of these books!  Unfortunately, I know that a lot of my opinions about them are influenced heavily by the movie adaptations I watched first, but if it hadn't been for those movies, would I have picked up the books in the first place?  It's hard to say.

In any case, I'm thankful for Jane, for her literary genius, her witty social commentaries, and her ability to write such strong female characters.  I love that her stories and characters are still relevant today, and that I have Austenite friends who I can nerd out with about them.

My friend Jane

The Winter Blues

Is it summer yet?

Just kidding.  But not really.  I need summer in my life.

This was actually going to be another post about how much I hate winter and how the first few weeks of every year leave me depressed and full of self-doubt and whatnot.  And then I was like, OR. . .

I could write about HAPPY things.  Like, what exactly, despite the horrific blanket of cold grayness that covers us here in Ohio during 97% of the winter

Is it 9 am or 3 pm?  Who can tell?  It's all the same sort of blah.
#DREARYANDDEPRESSING

I am actually excited about this year.  So here we go.  I have made a list of five of my favorite ways to ignore the winter blues this year without resorting to hibernation under an electric blanket with lots of delicious food and feel good movies about people who live at the beach because while that all sounds wonderful, it's not even remotely healthy. . . or possible:

1)  Love & Sunshine
A photo book by me in which I took advantage of a FREE Shutterfly photobook coupon by smothering the pages with my own photos of brighter, warmer days and happy moments of grace that I captured last year.  It's a good reminder that winter is only a season, and that spring will come again and be AWESOME.

Mmmm....I love sunshine.

2)  La La Land

It is romantic and beautiful and absolutely one of the best movies (if not THE best) I've ever seen.  It's like a dream with incredible detail and fun singing and dancing.  I left the theater in such a dreamy state that I hummed and danced my way through the street to our parked car, and Nick was in such a dreamy state that I could tell he almost considered joining me.  I've been listening to the soundtrack constantly and reliving the beauty, which has proven to be a fabulous way to rise above the winter blues!  "Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem..."

For the record, this is the FIRST screenshot I have ever taken on my phone. I'm quite proud of myself.  Watch out world. I can do technology now.

3)  My Best Friend's Wedding
Not the movie, but the actual event of the wedding of one of my best friends ever who is getting married in St. Louis in February!  We've been making plans and gearing up to celebrate and reconnect with old friends for a week-long getaway from work in the middle of the winter.  Just having something to look forward to helps brighten the days (even though, I'm sure I'll be dealing with post-wedding blues when it's all over, but that will be for another post!). ;)

4)  My new Curly Girl Planner!
If you haven't heard of Curly Girl Design (Leigh Standley), I highly recommend you check her out!  I have been obsessed with her work for years.  Her greeting cards are adorable and I simply love all of her designs!  I was just saying the other day how I wish I could have a book with all of her designs in it.  The NEXT DAY I came across this planner on clearance which is chock full of her adorably inspirational designs and quotes.  Hopefully it will make this year of adulting (which will include my transition from my twenties to my thirties *gulp*) a little more colorful!

Too. Cute.

5)  Reading the Bible daily

I wanted to read the whole Bible this year and to really understand it better, so I've been reading it every day.  Reading the Word of God has filled me with a subtle but real sense of hope, peace, and comfort, and plenty of questions!  I dug out my old notes from my college Bible study classes to help gain clarity on some things.  It has also made me curious to learn more about Judaism and Islam, and to see how our roots are all connected, so I plan to do some more reading on those religions as well.  #themoreyouknow

*To make sure I get through the Bible in a year in a manageable way, I downloaded a free app that breaks it down into easy-to-digest daily readings.  The app also offers cheesy little videos with overviews and insights to supplement each book or major section.  There are probably better apps out there, but this is the one I happened to pick--let me know if you've found a different one that you really like!  ALSO, while the app displays the readings on your phone for you, I choose to read from my actual Bible, mostly because I prefer the feeling of actual books, especially THE BOOK.  But when I finish reading from my Bible, I click the check mark on the app so it keeps track of my progress for me.

Anyway, that's how I'm managing the winter blues this year, because I don't want to let seasonal depression and self-doubt and stressing out about adult things take away from the simple joys of every day life.

Here's to the new year!

  

At the Heart of It All

Whenever we turn on the news these days, someone else has died a violent death.  Or dozens have.  Or hundreds.  It's sickening, confusing, and frightening.  We don't know how to process it.  We often turn to social media where commentaries and arguments have sprung up pointing the finger at others in blame and isolating the problem to one issue, race, religion or another.

But isn't that part of the problem?  Isn't it a problem that we are so ready to jump to conclusions and harsh judgments and stereotypes of our fellow man?  That we are determined to see the worst in one another, and to take sides against one another?

It's easy to be discouraged as these horrific events continue to unfold around the world, across the ocean, in our own neighborhoods.  It's a natural reaction to want to lay blame somewhere.  We want to see someone come to justice.  But there isn't any one person at fault here.  We are all part of the problem.

As a society, we have become selfish, rude, demanding, quick to anger, quick to judge, quick to blame others for our own mistakes.  We are a culture of waste, and we have begun to see one another as disposable.  We don't see each other as human beings.  We see the car in front of us driving like an idiot and it fills us with road rage.  We see our service workers as robots or low-lifes and treat them like crap.  We see the woman with the screaming child in the grocery store and judge her for obviously being a terrible parent.

We don't take the time to put ourselves in another's shoes, to recognize the difficulties that the people around us are facing, to see ourselves in one another.

We are all part of the problem, because we are all human. Rather than be discouraged by that, though, we should take heart in it.  Since we are all part of the problem, we can all be part of the solution.  We are all in this together.

We can stop pointing fingers, stop labeling the symptoms of the problem (racism, terrorism, homophobia) and acknowledge the root of all the problems:  our lack of respect for the dignity and equal value of each and every human life.

We can start overlooking the small annoyances and frustrations we feel from other people in our daily lives.  We can treat each other with kindness and patience, whether or not we receive the same treatment back.  We can attempt to understand the differences of others, rather than fear or hate them.

This isn't easy to do, by any means, but if we all stop making hateful, angry commentary on the tragedy and start feeling it in our hearts, we can work together to slowly but surely bring about peace.

I recognized yesterday my part in the problem when I received some news about an old, loyal friend. I learned that she is joining forces with someone that I believed we both couldn't stand.  When I thought of all those years I had to stand between them and fight them off one another, I was shocked that now they would be uniting as a team. I don't know the details of the situation, but my initial reaction was to feel betrayed and hurt that my friend would consort with the "enemy" in this way.

When I felt the word enemy rise up in my heart, I remembered the horrible, hateful killings of recent days.  Is this person really an enemy?  This is a person who we had perpetual misunderstandings with, but who never meant us any real harm.  We chose to hold on to angry, bitter grudges and refused to ever see this person as a person, but rather as an obstacle to our freedom.  But the real obstacle was in our hearts, a wall we had built ourselves to keep this person out, to side against this common enemy.

I want so much to stay angry, bitter, hateful even, toward this person, but I know that if I see someone like this person as an enemy, I am part of the problem.  If I can't forgive and let go of petty grudges and the annoyances that this person's differences have caused me over the years, how can we let go of hate in our world?

I remember my loyal friend's constant example of a pure love for Jesus, of her ability to love easily, even to the point of folly.  And maybe she has found a way in her heart to forgive this person, to love this person despite their differences, so that they can work together in peace.

That is peacemaking, friends.  That is the solution.  Letting go of grudges.  Choosing love, kindness, generosity in the littlest things of every day.  Smiling while going through the motions.  Responding to rudeness with kindness and patience.  Truly desiring what is best for other people, desiring their success, their well-being--whether or not we like them.  Forgiving others so that the walls in our hearts can be destroyed by love, so that all we have in our hearts is love.

In a few days, we will likely have forgotten about these tragedies, or moved on to mourning the next ones.  But let's please, please, please never forget that we belong to one another.  That all us humans are in this together.  

Please.

So Much Love In The Club

It was an identity crisis--were we baristas or...something else?  We weren't sure, so she cried out in a half-joking way, "Is there anyone here who can tell me what coffee is all about?"

And in classic Linus fashion, the answer came: "Sure, I can tell you what coffee is all about:  It's about love."

You may think I'm crazy for saying that, but hear me out.

Coffee is all about the people--the people who grow coffee, the people who harvest it, the people who sell it, the people who buy it, the people who roast it, the people who brew it, the people who drink it, and all the people in-between. 

In my time as a barista,  I've known some that truly warmed me inside and out with their funky, hearty characters--and that goes for both people and coffees!

 New crops of new coffees came in every few months, and so, it seemed, did new people.  We once built a graveyard display for Halloween of all the coffees we'd loved that never returned to satisfy our longing taste buds.  I never saw many of those coffees again, but new coffees came along to expand my palate, to teach me to experience coffee in new ways.  Similarly, I never see some of the people who built that display with me anymore, but new people came along to expand my heart, to teach me to love in new ways.

Today is National Coffee Day, and this week marks four and a half years of me making coffee from this coffee company.  A LOT has changed in that time--people, coffees, structures, machines, uniforms, products, policies, I got married, etc., but this week I returned back to the basics:  no more orders and schedules, I'm just making coffee.

To make this move,  I had to say goodbye to some people who I've grown close to, but that is nothing new to me.  It seems that in the last 13 months especially, I've said goodbye to so many.  I miss them all in different ways, but I'm a better person for having known each of them, and they each hold a special place in my heart.  

All of these people have come to me because of coffee.  We became a family of co-workers, of customers, a community who shared more than cups of coffee, but cups overflowing with love.

I've said this before and I'll say it again:

Every cup is a communion.

To all the generations of my dear barista family and all the customer-friends we've collected over the years:

I always believed but I never really knew until I met you that coffee really is all about love.  Thank you for filling my heart and my cup.

Just a few generations of coffee-family. #somuchloveintheclub

Fall in Love

I am that girl.

I didn't always love fall.  In fact, I used to hate it.  It was that gray, rainy season full of muddy walks to school and wet, slimy leaves sticking to my shoes. It was brown, and it required raking, which required being outside--I used to hate being outside.  Worst of all, fall held nothing to look forward to except colder and colder mornings and cars covered in frost and ice.  So much ice.

When I was a sophomore in college, everything changed.

It wasn't because I discovered pumpkin spice lattes, or cardigans, or scarves.  And I definitely hadn't gotten excited about the impending death of everything in nature.  No, it had been a combination of graces that led me to change my mind about the season one day.

It had been a mild fall, so the day wasn't terribly chilly.  Dark clouds had begun to roll in to contrast the morning sunshine.  A great breeze picked up and it was as if the sun-kissed trees were waving me on.  I felt the Spirit moving around me and I breathed deeply, and I knew that I love fall.

That semester had followed a dark, depressing summer for me.  I was struggling to adjust back to life at school, to become more financially independent, and to make new friends (some of my best friends from my freshman year were studying in Austria for the semester).  

One Monday night, I wanted desperately to just sit in my dorm room and feel sorry for myself, but some friends invited me to go bowling with a big group of people.  At first I declined.  I'm awkward around people I don't know well, and in my emotional state, I wasn't sure I'd be able to choke up the energy.

As I sat in my room I realized that I had a choice.  I didn't have to let my depression weigh me down.  I could stay there and sink further into my depression, or I could get up and go and maybe have a good time.  Besides, if I went and it was awful, I never had to go again.  Suddenly, there was a strength inside of me (the Holy Spirit, I'm sure), determinedly pushing me to my feet.  I would not let the depression win!

I had no idea that the people I would meet that night would change me forever. It became a weekly tradition--Monday night bowling followed by either Tim Horton's or Taco Bell and/or a movie at someone's house or a random dance party in a parking lot on campus.  We would always meet in the cafeteria for lunch and dinner, taking over two long tables with our laughter and conversation, sitting for hours in that gross building because we were having such a good time.  We were an eclectic group, but for the first time in my life, I felt like I had found friends with whom I really belonged.  I'd had good friends growing up, but never one solid group with similar beliefs and interests.  These people became like a family to me.  Through them, the Lord pulled me out of my depression and showed me who I am--a loved young woman.

That fall, I learned agape.

What followed was the opening of my heart to the Lord.  I gave Him everything, and the next year was the best of my life.  It was challenging and full and colorful and I thought I fell in love so many times but it was really just once--one long plunge into the ocean of Mercy.  At times it was dark and painful and sometimes so lonely I couldn't breathe, but my tears of sorrow always became tears of thanksgiving.

The following fall I was in Austria, where I fell head over heals in love with Jesus and His Mother--I heard God better in Europe for some reason.  Maybe because I lived here:

Yeah, that definitely helped.  It helped me get through the coming year of uncertainties and separation and certainties and alienation.  More pain followed me through the year and pressed on more intensely in the fall of my senior year, and in the pain I discovered real strength--reliance on God.

Strength isn't independence.  It's dependence on God.  That's a lesson I still learn every day.  It's a lesson I finally put into practice two falls later when my heart was lonely, but I placed my trust in God and His perfect timing.  The next week a young man bought me dinner, and we fell in love.  The next fall, our love only grew stronger.

And this year I hear so many people complain about fall and how it's so cold and rainy and gross and everything dies and winter is coming and that means snow and ice and cold.

And all I have to say about that is NOT "pumpkin spice latte pumpkin spice latte pumpkin spice latte" but agape. 

Agape.  The love God has for us.  The love we have for God.  The love we have for one another.  The love. There is so much love in the club!

It's what I think about when I think about fall.  It's what I remember when I wake up at 4:30 and suddenly it's 7 am and the sun still isn't shining.  I think about evenings in the cafeteria and the smokey bowling alley with the people who changed my life forever.  I think of the place of incredible beauty, the place of terrible pain, the place of love lost and love found, the place of death turned new life.

This love is available to all of us, all the time, and we have a choice--to love or to hate, to let ourselves be loved or to let our lives weigh us down, to hide from the world or face the rain with a smile and a heart full of gratitude.

Fall may be the season when everything dies, but life always goes on and starts anew.  And through all the ups and downs, we get by with a little help from our friends.

Thank You, God, for mine.

See You In The Eucharist

It was my first road trip in My Little Red Car, and I was itching to escape Ohio.

I headed North and wondered again why it is that the sky seems so much closer in Michigan than it does in Ohio.  The countryside I fell in love with a few years ago--the green and gold and blue that stretched forever, dotted by red barns and silver silos and fluffy white clouds so close it seemed you could touch them--was less romantic this time around, more worn, yet still just as loved.  Nothing had changed but me.

In Michigan and Illinois, I explored small towns and churches and coffee shops--Ugly Mugs and Cheeky Monkeys and All Chocolate Kitchens--with some of my best friends.  We talked and laughed and my heart healed from all the time in-between our last goodbye and this hello.

The goodbyes came around again, like they always do, and  most of us didn't know when the next time we'd say hello would be.  The last goodbye was to a dear friend after morning Mass, and then I hit the road home.

It was a long road, full of traffic and construction (and a really slow Megabus hogging the left lane for way too long).  But the sun was shining and the trees were swaying and I stopped at Fair Oaks Farm in somewhere, Indiana just because their advertisement "dairy-ed" me.  And then they "double dairy-ed" me.  I can't resist a good play on words, or a latte made with super-fresh whole milk, or cows.

I let the joy and laughter and memories of the weekend follow me home.  I was so thankful for my adventure, and so glad to be back.

I can't help but wonder again at how different it is, those three or four or five years of life at college compared to the rest of our lives. How unfair it all seems that the people we grow and experience so much with suddenly aren't there anymore, at least not as often.  Still, I hold these people in my heart--anyone I have ever loved or have ever come across, I hold them in my heart.

When I went to Mass the day after I came home, and my heart was bursting with thanks for the last few days and for the re-connections it had made, I felt my friends with me, and it's no surprise really.

My household sisters say goodbye with the phrase "I'll see you in the Eucharist."  And it's true.  When we participate in Mass, we participate in the heavenly feast, with all the angels and saints and souls.  When we receive the Body and Blood of Christ, we receive His whole Body.  We are the Body, and so we receive one another.  The love that binds us--Love Itself--is there on the altar, ours for the taking, for the receiving for the giving.  When we receive Communion, we are in communion.

So, though I miss you all, my dear friends, I will see you in the Eucharist.