Working in customer service is difficult for an introvert like me. I'd much rather be holed up in a corner reading a book. Instead, I am constantly surrounded by people. For 8 hours a day, I am constantly on and at the ready to answer life's most difficult questions such as, "Where is the bathroom?" and "Can you make that nonfat?"
Now, I've always carried this cross, a social handicap of sorts that prevents a speedy connection between my brain and my mouth. The words I really want to say don't come out when I want them to. Instead, they stew and brew inside of me for hours, days, weeks, years until suddenly they burst out through my pen (or through my fingers on the keyboard). My pen has a quick wit; my tongue. . . not so much.
I've often prayed for the courage or the words or whatever it is that would relieve me of this cross, but I recently realized that what I really wanted was a sort of miraculous personality change. And then I realized that such a miracle, while totally possible for God, would be entirely against His will. He made me the way I am for a reason, and He loves me for me. He doesn't love who I think He wants me to be.
Nothing that we do or don't do can make Him love us any less. His love is unwavering.
So then what? I'm stuck an awkward introvert forever? Of course not.
For one thing, I have taken Elizabeth Bennet's words to Mr. Darcy (about his inability to converse easily with strangers) to heart: "Perhaps you should take your aunt's advice and practice." I do practice every day in customer service. And though it often feels uncomfortable and awkward, it has become easier, more natural. I would still rather be holed up in a corner reading Pride and Prejudice, but that wouldn't be worth much to anyone. Instead, I offer my weakness, my cross, to God and I let His power be manifested in it.
"'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'" I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities; for when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:9-10I fall constantly, but that causes me to constantly rely on God for His grace, strength, and mercy. I am constantly forced to forget myself (lest I wither away in the misery and despair of over thinking everything) and turn my mind to Him. I think it is in this way that His will is done best: when we offer ourselves as empty vessels, He fills us with His love, and that love overflows to other people until we're empty again, and He fills us again, and on and on the circle of love and His magnificence goes.
"I can sanctify you in an instant. But I love your long and patient work; it keeps you humble. Acquire loving humility--it will exalt you. Discouragement never elevates anyone. Keep going. Don't stop. I kept going on the road to Calvary and in spite of such agony. I got there. Look at Me and you will find new courage. And honor Me by calling Me to help you." ~He and IIt can get a little wearisome--I get tired of confessing the same sins over and over. But when I look back at all the plans I had for myself, and how practically all of them failed and fell to the wayside, and I see that in some ways I am exactly where I never wanted to be, and in some ways exactly where I hoped to be, I know that I know nothing. I can put forth effort and work toward my goals, but He will only lead me there when I am good and ready. In the meantime, I will continue to seek Him, and He will continue to fill me and mold my heart to better match His. It won't be easy, and it's going to hurt.
And I'm oddly okay with that, because it will totally be worth it. Because His grace is enough.
Because grace.
