The Unexpected Year

I brought in the new year in denial.

For one, I was in denial that, despite all of my precautions of carrying Lysol wipes in my purse, washing my hands ten times more than usual, and taking exorbitant amounts of vitamin C, I was getting sick anyway.  Combined with the fact that I had to be up for work at 4:30 am New Years Day, I wasn't the happiest new year camper.

To be honest though, I didn't expect us to make it this far--I was in denial that 2013 was even happening.  I mean, I didn't exactly believe the world was going to end, but I don't know--I guess 12/21/12 was just too anti-climactic.  With all the joking and talking about what might happen, I kind of began to hope that something, something, might happen that would relieve me of the problem of growing up and making real life decisions.

But here we are.

The first few days of the year were a little blurry for me, buried in tissues and Nyquil and cough drops, but now that I'm thinking about it, I don't have any real resolutions.  I have the usual--eat healthier, exercise more, write more, find my dream job--but honestly, I don't have any real expectations for this year.  Not in that pessimistic if-you-have-no-expectations-then-you'll-never-be-disappointed way, but in an I'm-prepared-to-be-surprised way.

For the last few months of 2012, I felt like I was working working working and wasn't making any progress in practically every aspect of my life.  Physically, mentally, spiritually I had expectations and I knew that something had to give, but nothing budged.  I realized then that everything was spinning wildly out of my control, and I could do nothing to change it.  All I could change was my attitude.

It's been humbling, and there are days when everything in me fights against it, but I keep telling myself it's all part of the plan.  Every so often there's a moment of grace--a lost friend come home, a lesson in suffering, a new baby, a word of encouragement, a sample from the bakery--and I am reminded that yes, these coffee grounds covering the front of my shirt and sticking underneath my fingernails are all I can give to God, but I can give them with love (or die trying).  

So I'm done trying to control everything.  This year, I give God full reign.  He knows what's best, and I trust Him.  I'm learning to let that be enough.